COUNTRY’S GEORGE JONES HITS BOTTLE, ALABAMA AIRWAVES

I like County Music Legend George Jones just as much as the next person. Hell, every song the guy touched was a hit. And some of those songs were about his unparalleled love of booze.

But “The Possum,” who often missed performances because of alcohol use, may have even outdone himself this week by recording an ad for Alabama Congressional Candidate Ronnie Gilley while the singer was obviously intoxicated.

“My wife, Nancy, and I are very proud to soon call the 2nd District our new home. What Nancy and I are not proud of are the outright nasty lies being aired by state Rep. Jay Love about our good friend Ronnie Gilley and Sen. Harri Anne Smith,” Jones says in the ad. “Jay Love is just a plain old liar.”

According to the Dothan, Ala. newspaper, Gilley will spend $15,000 to $20,000 on airtime for the Jones ad, which started running Tuesday morning. He said he will not pull the ad and he “absolutely approves this message.”

I know politics and alcohol go together in South Carolina. I’m just glad to hear we’re not alone.

I HOPE YOU THINK THROWING FANS OUT OF HIS OWN CONCERT

If you didn’t get the headline and subheadline, then you aren’t listening to enough Taylor Swift and subsequently, you are a sad human being.

Anyway, FoxNews has video of country superstar Tim McGraw helping security toss out an “unruly fan” at a concert in Washington State Tuesday. In the fan-shot video, McGraw and a security guard reach into the crowd and pull up a member of the audience who was reportedly so manly, he began fighting a girl.

McGraw shouts “Get rid of this guy,” summons security and helps arriving crew members haul him onstage. When the heavyset fan moves toward McGraw, the singer threatens him with a cocked fist as he’s hauled away.

The band’s performance of “Indian Outlaw” never stopped. And as if on cue, McGraw steps to the mic and picks up with the line “I ain’t lookin’ for trouble … .”

A statement from McGraw’s representative says he witnessed the man rush up and attack a female, and he intervened when security couldn’t respond quickly enough. [AP]

Before you ask, this really has nothing to do with South Carolina, but it has everything to do with awesomeness. And I’m fine with that. Are you?

EVEN FOX NEWS CHANNEL IS BORED

I’ve got a couple of stories I’m working on right now, but on the whole, it’s been a pretty slow news day. I thought maybe this was limited to South Carolina, but then I noticed that even Fox News Channel has nothing to fill the time with.

This was made painfully clear about an hour ago when they devoted a segment of their coverage to to a pair of the most useless surveys in the history of mankind. The surveys included the “breaking news” that classic rock fans prefer John McCain and those who frequently buy shoes are born leaders.

Unfortunately, they didn’t look into whether or not alpaca farmers in the Blue Ridge Mountains prefer Skittles or M&M’s.

One thing that is certain is that I will be buying more shoes and watching less Fox News. And yes, I realize that rhymed. What can I say, I’m a natural born leader.

CHRIST RISES, EASTER BUNNY TEARS IT UP, I MISS NASCAR, BASKET

I spent a lot of time deciding whether or not to put an exclamation point on that headline. On the one hand, today’s the day that Jesus was resurrected and ascended to Heaven to pay for the sins of mankind. But on the other hand, exclamation points on blog headlines are incredibly trite.

As you can see, I went with the exclamation point but wasted too much time to hide my Easter basket before church. Which means I’m not going to have anything to find later except for the time to fill out the absurd amount of forms needed to file my taxes.

Something else I’m not going to be able to do later: watch a NASCAR race because they take Easter Sunday off. I disagree with that decision. I mean, the NFL still plays on Christmas Day and there will be March Madness games on today, so they can race.

Now, a lot of people complain that Easter, like other religious holidays, has sadly taken an ill-fated turn toward becoming an over-commercialized, secular shell of a holy celebration. And I have to agree.

So I posted the above video as a guilt-ridden reminder that the Easter Bunny may hate you, but Jesus loves you!

Happy Easter, y’all!

Of course, if you are an Eastern Christian, then you won’t be celebrating Easter for another month, so disregard this post.

Activity in this state is pretty dead today, so to keep you somewhat entertained I bring you the above mildly humorous YouTube video of a Miss Teen South Carolina impersonator giving her take on the Super Tuesday results. And I definitely agree with her that “John McCain should help the voters here in the U.S.,” and I believe he will.

I doubt you’ll see this video “everywhere like such as,” but this proves that Lauren Caitlin Upton will never ever live down her moment of infamy. You can turn pretty much anything into a Miss Teen SC statement.

The Super Bowl? “I personally believe Patriots were unable to beat the New Yorks because, uhh, some stadiums don’t allow video cameras. I believe that our, I, stadiums like such as uh, RCA Dome, and uh, the Foxboro, everywhere like such as, should let the U.S. American coaches tape other, uhh, teams, and I believe that our football places over here in the US should help the New Englands, uh, should help Bill Belichick spy on the other playerses to build up our future, for us.”

Legislative spending in South Carolina? “I personally believe that legisla-uhh-people are unable to stop buying stuff because, uhmmm, some people out there in our state don’t have good voting skills and uh, I believe that our, I, people in the general legis-place like such as uh, Columbia, and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our money that we give them over here in the South Carolina should help the South Carolina, uh, it should help the Charleston and the Abbeville counties so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

Of course, she got a pretty sweet modeling gig with Donald Trump out of it, but was it worth it? Only time will tell, but early indications are yes, yes it was.

And while we are talking about YouTube — gratuitous self-promotion alert — you should definitely stop by our new YouTube page. That will be the hub of our video-sharing empire. Be a part.

So I saw a video today that broke my heart. It was gut wrenching, not because it showed any drowning puppies or Chris Crocker or anything, but it struck a chord deep within my soul all the same. Here’s the video:

Stunned? Good, you should be. This woman, this Sherri Shepherd, makes more money than you and I. She can not be real. She must be a figment of my imagination. A couple of months ago, she asked Whoopi Goldberg if the world was flat. I’m not kidding you. “Is the world flat?” I am quoting her here. Now I’m no rocket surgeon or Albert Finklestein, but I have seen a globe before. Sherri Shepherd, help yourself to a history book before you give me an aneurism.

It’s been about two months since we’ve had a video of the day. Why? I don’t know. Don’t ask such stupid questions.

And speaking of stupid questions, here’s a painful clip of former American Idol contestant and current country music star Kellie Pickler doing her best Miss Teen South Carolina impression… only it’s not an impersonation, it’s the real deal.

On this most American of holidays, we are truly thankful for our loyal readers and, yes, even our loyal detractors. To friends and enemies, Republicans and Democrats, Pilgrims and Indians, turkey-eaters and tofurkey-eaters alike, we wish you all a very safe and happy Thanksgiving.

In the spirit of the season, we bring you the story of the first Thanksgiving:

And with that, the Pilgrims sat down with their new friends, the Native Peoples. And they enjoyed a feast and it was the first Thanksgiving.

The End.