NEW MISS TEEN SC MARY HELEN CAVER ES MUY CALIENTE

Apparently the Miss South Carolina USA pageant was held over the weekend in North Charleston and I’m a little pissed that nobody asked me to be a judge. That’s probably because I don’t know the first thing about beauty pageants — except that I would no doubt win all of them — but an invite would have been nice.

Regardless, they seemed to have done an acceptable job without me. The Miss SC winner was good, but the new Miss Teen SC was better.

That’s because 18-year-old Mary Helen Caver of North Augusta is smoking hot. And now she’s got a little bit of money too, winning more than $150,000 in cash and prizes. Which means she can help me pay for my opulent lifestyle when we inevitably get married.

Now Caver just needs to do like her predecessor Brittany Pjetraj and not make a fool of herself on national television, a la Lauren Caitlin Upton.

More pics of Caver: