YARR, THESE STORIES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PIRATES THOUGH, YARR

The happy hour is at long last almost upon us, and with the University of South Carolina back open for business, Columbia is hopping like a Salty Sea-Dog on International Pirate Day (only 29 days away — Sept. 19). I’m not really sure what that means, but here arrrrrrrrrre a few Scoops for ye scurvy scums:

• COLUMBIA CAN’T AFFORD CHRISTMAS — Remember that time that daddy went to the casino a little too much and Santa couldn’t get you that bike you wanted so badly? Yeah, well that’s going to happen to the entire city of Columbia if the inept morons who run this town can’t find $140,800. City manager Charles Austin told The State that’s how much it will cost to put up new holiday lights and decorations, which were affected by the recent streetscaping projects that changed the power supply and street configurations. Hmm… let’s see, off the top of my head I can think of not one, but two things that account for more than half of that total.

• BELTRAM WANTS TO TEACH CHILDREN — Until high schools start instituting play time and story time, I can’t think of any reason whatsoever to allow Spartanburg County GOP Chair Rick Beltram anywhere near a classroom. There are already countless problems with education in this state and presenting Luca Brasi to impressionable kids as an authoritative expert on anything isn’t going to help. Especially if that issue is politics, where Beltram has clearly demonstrated his gross incompetence. Yet he still says he wants to “impart his knowledge of the election process to high school students.” Right… I bet that lesson will rank right up there with the A Tooty-Ta dance in scholarly value.

• USC STUDENTS: DON’T GET HAZED — With school back in session at USC, and all that weird Greek stuff in full swing, administrators are on the lookout for hazing. They’ve even set up a “Hazing Hotline” at (803) 566-9051 for students to “report any suspicion of hazing.” That reminds me of the time my MIT fraternity brothers and I hazed a robot. Man, that was awesome. Those pledgebots never saw the butyl alcohol and compressed air coming.

• THE CHINESE CHEATED? NO WAY! — I think everyone with an IQ above negative 25 knew that at least half of the Chinese gymnastics team was well under the minimum age of 16. And now, less than 48 hours after the last competition, proof is starting to surface that one of the girls, He Kexin, is only 14 years old. Which will be great if the International Olympic Committee actually has the cajones to disqualify the girl. That might make up for the fact that the Chinese were so blatant about their little tykes being too young, and that the underage “women” ended up winning a number of gold medals. In fact, my future girlfriend Nastia Liukin was robbed of two gold medals by Kexin. Or He. Or whichever one is the surname.