THEY SURE GOT IT RIGHT

VIABILITY, S.C. (TPS) - It’s rather humorous that the South Carolina Democratic Party Thursday denied Stephen Colbert from appearing on their presidential primary ballot in January, despite his paying the requisite $2,500 fee and filing the proper paperwork. It’s humorous because they made that decision based on Colbert’s “viability” and their belief that he lacked it on a national level.

Now, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, viable means: 1. Capable of living, developing, or germinating under favorable conditions; 2. Capable of living outside the uterus; 3. Capable of success or continuing effectiveness.

We’re pretty sure every human being passes the first two tests, so number three must be the deal breaker. And by this standard, it must be that Colbert is not effective enough nationwide and lacks the ability to have success in venues outside of South Carolina.

But wait… hold on just one second. Doesn’t Colbert have a devoted audience numbering well into the millions every night on his nationally-televised show, The Colbert Report? Oh, and didn’t he recently place fifth among Democrats nationally? Seems to us like he’s both effective and successful across the country.

Surely the candidates that did make the ballot — even the ones he polled ahead of — must be more viable than Colbert. There’s no way they could reject him and allow a less effective candidate who is less likely to succeed on the ballot.

Thankfully, the Democrats got this one right and only the truly viable candidates have made it to the presidential primary ballot. Viable candidates like Dennis Kucinich, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Chris Dodd and Mike Gravel.

So what if Kucinich speaks at length about his “UFO experience“? Americans love science fiction. He’s definitely viable.

What’s the big deal if Richardson chose not to call for the removal of disgraced former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez because he, like Richardson, is Hispanic? The majority of America agrees that race should be the number one factor when determining leadership. Viability test passed.

Who conveys “middle America” better than Biden, who uses an Indian accent when he goes into 7-11? No one, that’s who. Someone give that guy a big viability stamp.

Speaking of middle America, does anything say “mainstream” like Dodd’s “Golden Leash Award” for accepting nearly $1 million in special interest money in return for special favors? Absolutely not. V-I-A-B-L-E.

And we can’t forget the most effective and most capable candidate of them all, Gravel. How could someone not find him nationally viable when he’s best known for his three minute YouTube campaign commercial where he throws a rock in the water? We don’t even need to say that this guy is effective and successful, he’s just that viable.

Yup, those darned S.C. Democrats sure do know the meaning of viability. And luckily for us, they were smart enough to put that knowledge to good use to keep out that non-viable Colbert.

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Photo: New York Times

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 1st, 2007 at 7:22 pm and is filed under Colbert, Democrats, Primary Season. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.