The only reason anyone would watch tonight’s Democratic presidential debate from Charleston is to see what kind of antics crazy old “Mad Mike” Gravel will pull. Let’s be honest, the guy not only makes us feel good about being Republican, but he makes us feel good about not being senile. High five!

So, because the debate is sponsored by YouTube - and because YouTube is the only reason we can even pick Gravel out of a lineup - we decided to count down his five best YouTube moments. We wanted to do 10, but then we got bored and moved on to other things.

And… count ‘em:

#5. Gravel exposes the “Imperial Plan of the Pax Americana”

If Michael Moore directed a Star Wars movie, it would be called “The Imperial Plan of the Pax Americana” starring “Mad Mike” Gravel. But since Moore is busy eating babies or something, Gravel is flying solo on this mission. Fear not though, he’s more than up to the challenge.

In a C-SPAN clip that looks like it was recorded using a “fully-featured LXI camcorder,” Gravel bravely reveals the truth about U.S. plans to take over the world using oil money from Iraq, Iran and Saudi Arabia, our military might, the CIA and the Freemasons.

Fine, we made up the part about the Freemasons. Or did we?

Anyway, you still need to know about “The Plan.” And since it’s placed so firmly within the realm of fact and logic, there’s no way it’s not happening. Why, the FBI is probably on the way over here right now to destroy our…

BEST LINE: The whole thing.

#4. Gravel makes Chris Mathews looks calm

Following the first Democratic debate, MSNBC host Chris Mathews interviewed “Mad Mike” Gravel about his three-decade disappearing act, impeaching President Bush, aliens and whatever else you talk about when in the company of morons. But after only a few minutes, Mathews, who is notorious for screaming loudly at his guests on MSNBC’s Hardball, looked like a defeated day care teacher who would rather give a 4-year-old brat a lolly-pop than spend 10 minutes arguing over why the kid can’t pick their nose and flick it at the rest of the class.

And, in the clip, Gravel gives us a little insight into what it is like to be clinically insane when he argues that he can get 16 Republicans - and all 51 Democrats - in the Senate to override a hypothetical veto on a hypothetical law that would make the invasion of Iraq a felony and President Bush a felon. Darn, when “Mad Mike” prefaced the comment by saying that he was “a good tactition,” we had no idea that he was that good.

BEST LINE:MATHEWS: “Where have you been for the last 35 years, sir?” GRAVEL: “Hiding under a rock.”

#3. Gravel launches the “Rock”

Speaking of “hiding under a rock”: If you haven’t yet accepted the fact that Mike Gravel is the most “presidential” candidate in the 2008 field, then you need to watch our #3 clip at least 200,000 times. You won’t see it in the Mainstream Media because they aren’t “fringe” enough to “get” Gravel staring mutely at a camera for more than a minute before picking up a large rock, throwing it two feet in front of him into a pond, and then walking away for another minute and a half.

You may disagree, but the best part is definitely when he throws the rock in the water.

The “Rock” ad only slightly beat out the ad where we get to stare at a campfire for eight minutes. Both ads are so awesomely minimalistic - and Gravel so awesomely presidential - that we can now appreciate “Mad Mike” as some kind of postmodern Jimmy Carter. That, or he’s just old, incredibly boring, and can’t remember his own name. Either works.

And after you watch the ad, make sure to check out the hilarious outtakes.

BEST LINE: “…”

#2. Gravel goes off on other Democrats and throws a temper-tantrum at S.C. debate

It was as if the stars aligned on that magical night in Orangeburg. The first South Carolina debate was a montage of moments (if you set it to music) that will remain forever etched in our minds as setting “Mad Mike” Gravel apart in the race to become the most delusional Dem for the 2008 election cycle - and that includes House, Senate and statewide races.

We never thought a serious contender for this crown would come from the presidential field. But God bless Gravel. He has given every ornery senior citizen who has lost touch with reality hope that they too can run for president.

Watch now as “Mad Mike” has a characteristic brain dump and calls out every Democrat in the “top tier” - including Joe Biden who isn’t anywhere NEAR the top tier.

BEST LINE: “[Running for president] is like going into the Senate. You know, the first time you get there you’re all excited - my God, how did I get here? But then about six months later you say, how the hell did the rest of them get here? I’ve got to tell you, after standing up with them, some of these people frighten me. They frighten me.”

#1. Gravel launches “national initiative” during interview in random guy’s dorm room

Yes, his dorm room. After all, nothing says “I’m a serious candidate to run the free world” like making a major policy announcement in the same 5′x10′ “bachelor pad” that some 18 year old kid with the moniker “EmergencyCheese” sneaks Playboys and six packs of Natty Light now that he’s “living on his own.”

Not only is Gravel a serious candidate, but he has seriously innovative ideas. Like the “National Initiative” discussed during this “interview” (See the “best line” below) which, from what we can tell, has never before been proposed as a system of government.

We shall call it, “Democracy”? Maybe? And since people make laws in conjunction with elected officials, maybe something like… hmm… how about “Representative Democracy”? Yes, that’s it. What a visionary!

BEST LINE: “[The National Initiative] is a federal ballot initiative and the plan is very simple. The people can be empowered to make laws and should be able to make laws in every government jurisdiction of the United States in partnership with their elected officials.”

This entry was posted on Monday, July 23rd, 2007 at 7:24 am and is filed under Democrats, Primary Season. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.