Paris Hilton, who begins her first day of prison today, has a lot to be thankful for – despite having to part with her Blackberry and hair extensions. Our first thought at her crybaby “whoa is me” stunt before she “checked in” was: We’d like to see that bimbo commit a DUI in South Carolina.

Then we realized that we don’t have DUI laws anymore.

But assuming Todd Rutherford and Brad Hutto hadn’t completely ravaged our drunk-driving laws, Hilton would have to deal with the crushing sledgehammer of justice wrought by Attorney General Henry McMaster. And then, when that was done, if she survived, she would be spending more than three weeks at some cushy, posh Los Angeles resort for celebs.

Try a few months at the now-defunct CCI. Then you can complain.

So when Paris reads this in 10 days after she’s released on good behavior – and because we know she’s an avid TPS fan – we want her to know that she’s one lucky moron.